The Dumbest Man in Konoha
by Dominic Shade
Summary: Jiraiya just discovered the dumbest man in Konoha. Or the smartest. Jir/Iru COMPLETE, Oneshot, SH, Trans, UST, Yaoi


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of its affiliates.

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**The Dumbest Man in Konoha**

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Jiraiya hummed to himself, tossing his arms behind his head as he leaned back against the rough trunk of the tree, trying to find a comfortable spot against the bark. He grunted and shut his eyes after smacking his lips, knowing he'd be needing all his strength later this evening.

He had training with the damned Kyuubi container later and his ears were still ringing from all the fuss the boy had made over it.

Really now, just because there was some blasted festival going on that night in the bustling Konoha didn't mean that Jiraiya was going to let the kid have a day _off_.

He snorted rudely at the mere notion, giving a jaw-cracking yawn as he settled under the shade for a nice afternoon nap.

Naruto had run off half an hour prior, the teenager nearly brought to tears and bawling that he was going to tell his mother on the mean sannin. Jiraiya gave a dry chuckle, shaking his head with a happy sigh.

Stupid brat must have been hit harder than he'd thought during their last training match. Either that or Naruto had been magically adopted by Tsunade or some other she-banshee.

The white-mane sporting sannin had to bite his inner cheek to keep from laughing out loud at that one.

"Heh…stupid kid," he muttered, enjoying the warmth of the day and the relaxing breeze.

Regrettably, the aged toad master was only allowed a few quiet moments of peace in the not-so-abandoned training field before he was disturbed by someone clearing their throat.

Jiraiya scowled, cracking a withering eye open to see who actually had the balls to disturb him.

_'Oh…mother…'_ he thought dryly, a brow twitching in agitation._ 'So that's what the brat meant…makes sense.'_

Umino Iruka stood a few feet away from him, arms crossed and hips cocked and ready to take on his bitch-stance. The sannin sighed inwardly, wondering if he could discreetly shove cotton swabs in his ears before the brunette started talking.

It wasn't that he had anything against the chuunin, he actually admired the man's patience and tolerance of Naruto. He'd even go so far as to say the smaller shinobi was attractive.

Iruka had a cute face; small pouting lips, long chocolate hair, thin brows, and wide doe eyes lined with thick black lashes.

Jiraiya quirked his mouth. The school teacher was really rather hot…

"Naruto told me you weren't going to let him come to the festival tonight."

…until he opened his mouth.

The sannin sighed, willing the shorter man away. "Did he now?"

Iruka frowned, his bow-shaped lips dipping cutely at the corners. "Yes. He was crying as well."

_'Little brat,'_ Jiraiya thought nastily._ 'He knows how to play his mother alright. He just did it to get back at me.'_

"Look, we have to train, it's nothing personal," he said.

_'There we go; straight and honest answer. That should make him shut up and go away.'_

"Oh?"

_'Or not.'_

Jiraiya scowled sourly, vowing to get the little punk back for this. "Yes Iruka-sensei."

"We go to that festival every year, except of course for the time you had him," Iruka informed, tapping his foot slowly. "It's a tradition for us."

The sannin stared moodily, wondering if the school teacher was a good enough shinobi to notice if he did a substitution jutsu.

"I'm terribly sorry Iruka-sensei, but I have other business to attend to and the training was already scheduled. It's not my fault the daft boy forgot to whine about it before today."

Iruka took a step forward, staring down at the sannin with his doe brown eyes narrowed sharply. "Surely just one night of relaxation wouldn't hurt for the both of you since you've been working so hard lately."

_'Hm…smart movie oh mommy dearest. Try and play it off like it's for the better good, for both our sakes and not just because you always see to it that that snot nosed brat gets whatever he wants.'_

The chuunin's arms were already crossed severely, but Jiraiya got the impression that he had just cut off the circulation to his hands from the way the petite brunette suddenly tightened his grip over his biceps.

Iruka took another step forward, cocking his hips at another angle, and using his height to his advantage as he openly glared at the sannin.

Jiraiya snorted and drew himself up to stand, his joints creaking as he righted himself. There. Now things were in their natural order. Iruka was over a foot shorter than he was.

"I want Naruto to join me at the festival, Jiraiya-sama," Iruka said clearly.

The taller shinobi blinked. Okay, that sounded suspiciously like an order. _No one_ ordered Jiraiya around. He wasn't some pre-pubescent student Iruka could just wrap around his manicured finger.

He was Jiraiya damn it. The legendary toad sage. One of the great sannin. Arguably the most powerful shinobi of his time. He was strong! He was tall! He had great hair! People looked up to him, in some cases even praised him! He was the perfect specimen of manhood—hey what was Iruka doing…?

Nimble fingers slid down surely, fiddling with a button and zipper.

Jiraiya couldn't do anything but stare at the delicate hands as they worked to unbind their owner's pants and push the offending material down to uncover whisky-colored thighs. The standard blue shinobi shirt, now un-tucked, swept down to cover the chuunin's goods, brushing over soft skin while Iruka shucked off his heavy vest and dropped it on the ground.

Both hands went to the hem of the shirt, but didn't pull it up.

"Jiraiya-sama?" Iruka murmured gently as if talking to a small child. "Do you want to see my panties?"

Panties?

_Panties?_

Jiraiya must have made some sort of noise because Iruka smiled angelically and slowly lifted the hem of his shirt, exposing the strong muscles of his thighs…

Even after a full minute had passed of the sannin just _watching_, he still couldn't form a coherent thought. Iruka waited patiently, his pants clinging to his lean legs and threatening to fall to his knees.

Jiraiya's black gaze was settled, perhaps permanently, on the frilly, lacey, light pink panties Iruka was wearing.

He blinked a few times.

Nope, they were still pink and frilly, nothing wrong with his vision.

Iruka swiveled his hips to the left, and then rocked them idly to the right. Jiraiya's gaze was honed in on every subtle and not so subtle movement as his brain struggled to try and understand what the hell he was seeing.

Okay…Iruka.

Check.

Iruka with his pants down.

Check.

Iruka wearing pink panties.

…processing.

The sannin ogled. Distantly he realized Iruka was talking to him and he started nodding to whatever was being said. Iruka was suggesting something. Well that was okay. He could agree to anything the chuunin told him.

Because obviously Iruka was the smartest man in the world. Jiraiya absently wondered if he should have recommended him to be Hokage instead of Tsunade.

Jiraiya nearly started crying when Iruka started pulling his pants up.

"W-why?!" he yelped in a rather unmanly sort of way. Iruka just snickered evilly and zipped himself up, dancing his slender hips away when large hands reached out for them.

Jiraiya was smacked heavily over his head for his efforts and groaned in pain as his thought process finally kicked into high gear. "Mah! Iruka! Come here won't you?"

The brunette snorted and collected his vest as he redressed. "It's Iruka-_sensei_," he quipped. "Don't be so informal Jiraiya-sama."

The aged man just gaped uselessly as the chuunin walked away. Slowly his knees began to wobble and he found himself sitting ungraciously against the rough trunk of the thick tree behind him.

When he was at the end of the clearing, Iruka tossed a wave over his shoulder and laughed out, "Thank you for agreeing to let Naruto come to the festival Jiraiya-sama!"

Jiraiya blinked widely, visions of frilly pink lace still dancing in front of him. Wait…what?! When the hell had he agreed to such a thing?! Hadn't he been absolutely adamant about the brat's training?! That teacher had his facts messed up if…

Oh.

The sannin vaguely remembered something not concerning panties trickling from the brunette's mouth.

_Damn._

Jiraiya quirked his lips up into a smirk as he leaned back into a more comfortable position against the tree. He watched until he could no longer see the brunette and slid his eyes closed, thinking over what had just happened.

_'Well,'_ he thought mildly. _'Obviously Iruka's the dumbest man in Konoha. Now I know what to do to get him to show me some leg.'_

Jiraiya chuckled to himself and leered in the direction the chuunin had gone. First thing's first…he had to pay a visit to a lingerie store for a few frilly gifts for his newest beloved.

Fin.


End file.
